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MIRRORS – MOTHER/DAUGHTER REFLECTIONS By Candice Daquin
by Candice Daquin

Bono of U2 sang about the tumultuous relationship with his father and his eventual realization later in the life that they were exactly the same. His haunting phrase, «and it’s you I see when I look in the mirror» forces anyone listening to the song to examine the relationship they have with their own parents, and in particular the relationship daughters may have with their mothers – then and now. Did YOUR apple fall far from the tree?

MIRRORS – MOTHER/DAUGHTER REFLECTIONS
By Candice Daquin

I used to run a teenage girls therapy group. The issues these troubled girls had with their mothers went further than the usual squabbles and teen-belligerence.

Many of the girls said that they were estranged from their mothers. Lesbians were told their sexuality was closely linked to an emotionally absent or abusive mother implying sexuality was a choice or reaction rather than a natural occurrence. (A link between ‘motherless-daughters’ and lesbianism has never been proven). Others suffered from a mother who was a constant critic or who’d rejected them. Mothers didn’t seem to beat their daughters as much as emotionally punish them. What hurt most? Was it the literal-absence reflected in Madonna’s song; ‘Promise to Try,’ about her own mother’s death, or a mother who is present but abusive?

Mothers didn’t seem to beat their daughters as much as emotionally punish them.

The girls’ reactions to the problems with their mothers varied. For some, the mother-gap created a fantasy of building their own happy family. Others reacted with chronic insecurity around other women, particularly authority figures, or with a fury to compete with other women. Most spoke of a feeling of incompleteness, a wish that their mother had died rather than rejected them.

Most spoke of a feeling of incompleteness, a wish that their mother had died rather than rejected them.

I wondered about the significance of mothers to daughters. Many girls lacked a full relationship with fathers, who were absent from home due to work or travel or family breakdown or abandonment. Mothers were more often the primary caregiver. So many mother/daughter relationships I knew seemed to run to extremes. Some were close and positive, others the polar opposite. Is it the pressure we put on mums to be the cookie-cutter ideal, so difficult to attain in a world of other expectations (career, eternal youth, good marriage) that’s the problem?

Is it the pressure put on mums to be the cookie-cutter ideal, so difficult to attain in a world of other expectations (career, eternal youth, good marriage) that’s the problem?

The pressure a mother is under to conform is enormous. Some mothers wither, trying to fit into everyone else’s expectations. Others are simply not cut out for the maternal role, finding it repellent. Others reject their children much as a cat may reject a kitten, inexplicably. The devastation felt by a mother who rejects her child is matched with societal disapproval. Notions such as; ‘unconditional love,’ and ‘instant bonding,’ weigh heavily in the hearts of those women who do not feel such easy love for their off-spring The expectation to love does not ensure we do, nor guarantees a mutual bond, leaving everyone feeling guilty. Any rejection hurts but familial rejections are seen by society as unnatural, none more so than the mother-daughter relationship.

Any rejection hurts but familial rejections are seen by society as unnatural, none more so than the mother-daughter relationship.

For all the Meryl Streep’s who appear seamlessly adroit at mothering, there are more who struggle, secretly and with little sympathy for their awkwardness. Who can a mother who feels this way, turn to?

Who can a mother who feels this way, turn to?

Then there are mothers who react positively or negatively to the ‘carbon-daughter’ that reminds them of their youth, another explanation as to why this fragile mirror can become so distorted and unhealthy?

…this fragile mirror can become so distorted and unhealthy?

And a lifetime of rejection or loss or ‘tough love,’ can leave a mine-field of reactions.

No doubt a lifetime of rejection or loss or ‘tough love,’ can leave a mine-field of reactions.

It may be that being so invested in our mothers and them with us, makes it difficult for some mothers to accept a daughter’s wish to generate her own identity, and difficult for a daughter who cannot emulate her mother, to find a way to please her or form that bond?

And if we gain our early identities from our mothers, could having no positive role-model or being told or feeling that we are inferior to it, set daughters up for a legacy of insecurity?

If we gain our early identities from our mothers, could having no positive role-model or being told or feeling that we are inferior to it, set daughters up for a legacy of insecurity?

In You´re Wearing That?: Understanding Mothers and Daughters in Conversation Deborah Tannen suggests that; "Mothers and daughters speak the same language–but still often misunderstand each other, as they struggle to find the right balance between closeness and independence."

Tannen suggests that: "Mothers and daughters speak the same language–but still often misunderstand each other, as they struggle to find the right balance between closeness and independence."

Is that why the fuse between mother and daughter so volatile, and highly charged? I realized that my troubled girls were not alone in their mother turmoil.

I realized that my troubled girls were not alone in their mother turmoil.

Iris Krasnow’s, author of I Am My Mother´s Daughter : Making Peace with Mom - before It´s Too Late, focuses on letting go of the idea we hold of our mothers, the ‘fantasy’ mom we generated watching Little Women as kids, and embracing the real person instead. In Circling My Mother: A Memoir by Mary Gordon, the author talks of her adoration for her mother, how in many ways, our mothers are the first women we emulate, and fall in love with. The range of actions and reactions seem as many as there are mothers: The Almost Moon by Alice Seabold, The Rest of her Life by Laura Moriarty and Common Thread : Mothers, Daughters, and the Power of Empathy by Martha Manning.

The range of actions and reactions seem as many as there are mothers

With maturity and life experience, the mirror of mother/daughter can provide comfort. In Why a Daughter Needs a Mom, author Gregory Lang says: "Mothers and daughters often see themselves when they look at each other: mothers seeing themselves as a child again and daughters glimpsing the woman they will likely become. While this can be frightening at times, it also can be comforting."

With maturity and life experience, the mirror of mother/daughter can provide comfort

For daughters who have in their hearts, that cherished ideal of a mother who tucks them into bed and promises to always be their best friend, who cries at their wedding and calls them every morning before work, there is a longing. How can that longing be filled, when their mother doesn’t return their calls? Is it possible to accept the mother one has,
evolve the ideal to the real, and accept each other as we are? Are there ways to find alternates, that will allow us to feel whole and loved?

First there can be understanding and a change in attitude. As adults, we realize that if a mother rejects us it is neither the fault of the child nor of the mother. It may not be within her grasp to change.

First there can be understanding and a change in attitude.

Relationships with others can provide healthy surrogates. Positive adult relationships with friends, peer-groups who can commiserate or support, as well as ‘adopted mother-figures,’ who act as surrogate mother’s in respect of advice and attention, may go some way to assuaging the loss. Many women have girlfriends who are older than they are, or in a different situation in life. Spending time with a woman who has children when one has none can be a transition to deciding to have one’s own, or a means of gaining exposure to other emotions and learning to accept and grow.

Relationships with others can provide healthy surrogates.

Close family ties, irrespective of who represents that family go a long way, and help sustain a maturing girl during the vulnerable teenage years.

Close family ties, irrespective of who represents that family go a long way, and help sustain a maturing girl during the vulnerable teenage years.

01.05.2008

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