Mothers and Daughters: Sharing the M word West and East By Gwen McAuley
by Gwen McAuley
Motherhood is a universal language that appears to seamlessly cross all boundaries. If you "speak mother", it doesn’t seem to matter if you’re English, French or Japanese. It doesn’t matter if you’re a new mother or if it’s old hat – that nurturing instinct seems to awaken inside and it astonishes you with its bottomless energy. And while different cultures may dictate what is appropriate and what is not for the father’s involvement, one thing remains certain: the "M" word means the same thing no matter where you live.
Mothers and Daughters: Sharing the M word West and East
By Gwen McAuley
Mothers and daughters seem to become closer once the daughter has a child of her own. Even if they weren’t previously close during the growing up phase, mothers and daughters can bond in a special way in the months during pregnancy and immediately after giving birth based on their mutual having-given-birth-ness. This is particularly so if the daughter is the first amongst her siblings or in her circle of friends to have a baby of her own. After all, who could relate to all of those little details of pregnancy and birth, besides mom? Or maybe it’s the skyrocketing levels of estrogen in pregnant daughters and their menopausal mothers, both experiencing hormonal changes at the same time, that unites them.
| After all, who could relate to all of those little details of pregnancy and birth, besides mom? Or maybe it’s the skyrocketing levels of estrogen in pregnant daughters and their menopausal mothers, both experiencing hormonal changes at the same time, that unites them. |
My mom is great, so we vie for her attention. At 25 and with baby daze in the distant future, I sometimes feel left out. My older sisters and my sister-in-law, all with young children, have the baby edge: daycare costs, time-out strategies, raw nipple concerns and episiotomy catastrophes. I can’t relate to these dilemmas at all (I’m sighing gratefully), but the conversations in my family have changed profoundly. At 25, I’m all too happy not to join. Pass on the secret password when I’m good and ready for it, please?
| I sometimes feel left out. My older sisters and my sister-in-law, all with young children, have the baby edge: daycare costs, time-out strategies, raw nipple concerns and episiotomy catastrophes |
While my sisters profess to "LOVE" hearing about my downtown shenanigans, lack of funds for that new bag I really want, or how my wax lady is on maternity leave, I can’t help but hear the sounds of rearranging breastfeeding pillows and hyper-active dance moves going on in the background as I casually chat about my week of carefree childlessness over the phone. The exclusion meter rises when all five ladies congregate and talk turns to baby stuff. I observe from the corner of the couch, feeling left out and noticing that my tea bag (not my nipples) has dried up.
| The exclusion meter rises when all five ladies congregate and talk turns to baby stuff. I observe from the corner of the couch, feeling left out and noticing that my tea bag (not my nipples) has dried up. |
For most Canadian families pregnancy and birth is very much a couple’s experience, with the father as involved in the process as the mother-to-be is. Soon to be fathers go to ultrasounds, coach their partner’s breathing from the feet (gasp!) instead of from her side, and some will even sit in the birthing tub massaging their partner’s shoulders during delivery.
| For most Canadian families pregnancy and birth is very much a couple’s experience, with the father as involved in the process as the mother-to-be is. |
In Japan, birth creates a complete separation of male and female spheres. Pregnancy and birth is very much part of the female sphere. Apart from contraception, men are expected to stay uninvolved. It’s not a matter of choice, but tradition. Japanese women form this elusive circle of maternity. Interaction by fathers on the North American scale horrifies my male Japanese students.
| In Japan, birth creates a complete separation of male and female spheres. |
Female problems in Japan are private. In North America, and definitely amongst my friends and family, female problems are to be shared with anyone who will listen: boyfriends, husbands, friends, co-workers, taxi drivers, hairdressers, and the like. Experiences that creep up and freak out women in their preparation for delivery just aren’t talked about as openly as they are back in Canada.
| Experiences that creep up and freak out women in their preparation for delivery just aren’t talked about as openly as they are back in Canada. |
In Japan fathers-to-be generally don’t attend ultrasounds or the delivery. They may drive their contracting partner to the hospital, and pace around in the waiting room, and even wait outside the delivery room, but most never enter. In North America, fathers tend to attend the delivery. Even the most squeamish fathers to be in my family have wavered back and forth pre delivery with: "Maybe I will be present, but maybe I won’t, I’ll see how I’m feeling …" All persevered and not only stayed in the delivery room, but coached and cut the cord. It’s actually a matter of paternal pride to brag that he "cut the cord." My own father regales family with his stories of cutting his children’s cords, and of his attendance at the births of several of his grandchildren. I definitely wouldn’t classify my family as "normal," but the delivery rooms of my nieces and nephews have often resembled chats around the punch bowl at Christmas parties.
| In Japan fathers-to-be generally don’t attend ultrasounds or the delivery… In North America, fathers tend to attend the delivery. It’s actually a matter of paternal pride to brag that he "cut the cord." |
Mothers and fathers unite! Grandmothers and grandfathers unite! Canadian hospitals should post All are welcome! signs on the doors of their delivery rooms.
When I share these endearing stories to my male students, they seem simultaneously astonished and envious. Some want to be more involved but feel held back by overbearing mother-in-laws. In Japan, it is usually the mother of the mother-to-be who is in the delivery room, along with close friends or sisters perhaps, but it is very much a female experience. The Canadian custom of «cutting the cord» has not been adopted here.
| Canadian hospitals should post All are welcome! signs on the doors of their delivery rooms. |
Who should hold the little one first? Should the baby be passed to the mother’s chest or to the father’s waiting arms? Many Canadian couples choose the father-should-bond-with-the-baby-first ritual because they miss the bonding-while-breastfeeding experiences. In Japan, the belief that the father-should-bond-with-the-baby-first ritual is unheard of. Male experience with pregnancy and birth is still very new to the modern man in Japan, and it may take some time for the fathers to stake their ground against the mother-in-laws and convince them that their involvement is important.
| Who should hold the little one first? Should the baby be passed to the mother’s chest or to the father’s waiting arms? |
The days and weeks following delivery are stressful and sleep-deprived ones (or so I’ve heard). In North America, caring for the newborn seems to be a team effort – the "team" being the new parents. Many fathers take time off from work to so that the new mother doesn’t succumb to sleep deprivation.
But in Japan, the "team" seems to be mother and grandmother. In Japan, there is an ongoing tradition that new mothers should return to their mother’s home for one month after giving birth, and stay there, prostrate, until she is rested enough, and expert enough, to return to her own home. Her parents often live cities and cities away, and so father-baby visitation is limited at first.
Michiko, a student in her 50s, recently hosted her daughter and new granddaughter.
Her daughter traveled over 2 hours by train from Yokohama to Hamamatsu, to enjoy a free full-time nanny, while her son-in-law returned to work immediately, awaiting their return a month later.
In Japan, it is not common for the husband to take time off work. Most new fathers return to work the day after the delivery. Japanese men typically work 60-hour weeks and under immense job stress. Nozomu, in his late 20s, returned to work when his wife left for her hometown with the new baby.
| In Japan, there is an ongoing tradition that new mothers should return to their mother’s home for one month after giving birth, and stay there, prostrate, until she is rested enough, and expert enough, to return to her own home. |
The help new Japanese mothers receive from their mothers is part of the bonding experience. Night feedings, breastfeeding encouragement, nerve-wracking first baths, questions about thrush, belly-buttons, and formula brands unite mother and daughter. By staying with her mother, knowledge is shared and passed on, maintaining Japanese traditions and home-remedies, strengthening the relationship between Grandmother, new mother and the infant. If one of my sisters moved home for a month to live with my parents, the film that plays in my head is a drama.
| The help new Japanese mothers receive from their mothers is part of the bonding experience. |
Throughout the world, new babies bring mothers and daughters together, strengthening their relationships through shared maternal feelings, hormones, changed roles and interactions and the feeling of purpose in passing the generational torch. Is there anything that compares to that bond?
I’m reaping the benefits of the baby boom in my own family. More babies mean more "female" problems, which mean there is more urgency to our tea gatherings and more reasons to spend an afternoon "talking." I’m grateful that "our" babies are keeping the conversations going, notwithstanding the baby talk.
01.05.2008
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