BEING A COUPLE AFTER BECOMING A PARENT By Heather Weir
Studies show that husbands who do housework, especially cleaning the bathrooms, without being asked, enjoy much more frequent sex with their wives than husbands who don’t.
HOW YOU MAKE THE FIRST BABY TRANSITION WILL SET THE STAGE FOR FUTURE MARITAL HEALTH
When I was pregnant with my first child I had two major anxieties. One was the awareness that I was going to be a mother FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. I would have this relationship with this unknown being as long as we both lived. This overwhelmed me. The other, I wouldn’t be able to go canoeing in Algonquin Park. As I hate canoeing the latter made no sense to me. Both anxieties heralded what I was only dimly aware of; my life was going to be completely changed. I would have a new identity and I would not have the same autonomy and unthinking freedom of movement. And so it was. I have never been so tired, so helpless, so frustrated or so joyous. I have seen this transition in many of my patients. Some first time mothers have no idea of what is about to hit them. For the fathers this is doubly so.
Fathers are not living with a changing body and for some, the reality that there is a baby arriving only starts to register during prenatal classes which, start at about 4 to 6 weeks before the baby arrives. This is a short time for psychological adjustment.
This means that mothers and fathers are often out of step with each other about the reality of the tremendous changes that are occurring. Mothers because of pregnancy, birth and breast-feeding are forced to make rapid adaptations to sleeplessness, discomfort, loss of autonomy and delaying gratification. Fathers’ lives tend to be less disrupted. They can more easily retain their autonomy and previous lives. This quite often leads to resentment and conflict. One of the crucial roles of a new father, as well as fathering, is husbanding. A new mother is tired, anxious and unsure of herself. Her old identity is temporarily gone. She has a new identity as a mother. Depending on her relationship with her own mother this can be a comfortable or uncomfortable transition. She needs support, encouragement and loving. There are lots of books about parenting in this period. There are no books about how to husband and wife.
Husbands have to adapt to huge changes in his wife. His emotional experience is that he has gone from being the most important person in his wife’s emotional life to the second most important. This is a loss and some men deal with it better than others. It can lead to resentment and jealousy of the new baby. These are shameful feelings and often are not acknowledged. This can lead to withdrawal, distancing and sometimes depression. Men who have unresolved sibling rivalry from childhood (e.g. younger sibling who displaced him) can be particularly triggered by this situation. Some men have difficulty adapting to seeing their partner and lover being transformed into a mother. This is especially true if their relationship with their own mother was not particularly good. Resentments and feelings of abandonment can be transferred forward in time to the marital relationship.
All of this is to say, that the transition from couple to parents is a crucible of conflicting emotions, some conscious and some unconscious. It is a time when increased sensitivity and empathy is needed for each other. If a couple can adapt to a new baby’s arrival and still be aware of each others emotional needs, then they will more likely be able to continue as a healthy happy couple.
In my ideal world there would be prenatal marriage classes. The following would be the topics I would like to discuss.
1. BECOMING PARENTS CHANGES YOUR WORLD
Children are not appendages to be grafted into an existing life. The new family system involves complete reconfiguration. If a couple is not prepared for this, they end up hanging on by their fingernails to the old life and resenting the pull of the new one. This resentment very often gets displaced onto the spouse "It is your fault that I cant do with ease what I used to be able to do" rather than "We need to accept, for the time being, that we have to adapt to the alterations that a new baby demands." Life is not a race to accomplish everything as fast as possible. It is a cycle of experiences to be relished and enjoyed in the present. Intense pursuits of career and pleasure will always be there. Children will not. The balancing of individual and family needs, in the meantime, leads to less stress and more harmony.
2. HUSBANDING
What your wife may experience and feel and how you can help and understand.
3. WIFING
What your husband may experience and feel and how you can help and understand.
4. OLD RELATIONSHIP PATTERNS
Unearthing old relationship demons and how to re bury them.
5. THE ART OF UNSELFISHNESS
6. COMMUNICATION COMMUNICATION COMMUNICATION
22.08.2007
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Heather Weir is a child and adolescent psychiatrist and psychoanalyst in private practice in Toronto. She was Head of Adolescent Psychiatric Outpatients at the Hospital for Sick Children for many years. She is on the faculty of the Toronto Institute of Psychoanalysis. She teaches and lectures on adolescent development and parenting the adolescent child.
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