Choosing To Go It Alone - Mommy Guilt Rx By Jane Clapp
How does the rhyme go? Mommy and daddy, then baby makes three? But what happens when mommy and daddy are going in different directions and follow their hearts to separate futures. What about baby? Is it time for the guilt brigade to rush in? The Oxford English Dictionary defines guilt as: 1. the fact of committing an offence or crime. Isn’t it time we ladies gave it up? Feel sad, feel sorry, but declare a ban on guilt.
Last year I ended my marriage. After years of effort to inspire growth, mutual respect and spiritual abundance, I finally had to accept that I was in a relationship that was unhealthy and self-destructive. In the first few years of my daughter´s life, I was filled with a healthy dose of self-doubt about my parenting as any thoughtful parent might be. But after the split, my self-doubt blossomed into full-blown mommy guilt.
| …after the split, my self-doubt blossomed into full-blown mommy guilt. |
My marriage was slowly destroying me from the inside out. I made one of the toughest decisions any woman is ever going to make: split up a family. My consequence: less time with the love of my life and the human being I grew inside my body, my child.
| My consequence: less time with the love of my life and the human being I grew inside my body, my child. |
Although the rational side of me knows that doing what is best for me is ultimately best for my child, the guilt that randomly assaults me overcomes me at times. When my four year old gets confused about her new schedule and calls her two homes mommy´s house and daddy´s house, I feel a profound regret about the circumstances that have been chosen for her. And because of this, I feel a compulsion to be impossibly perfect when she´s with me to the point that I lose sight of the big picture.
| I feel a profound regret about the circumstances that have been chosen for her. And because of this, I feel a compulsion to be impossibly perfect when she´s with me to the point that I lose sight of the big picture. |
I am not perfect. She is never going to be perfect and life is what we choose to make of it.
One of my clients wrote and starred in "I, Claudia" a play and subsequent film about divorce told through the eyes of a child. After an honest conversation with her about what I was going through and my concerns for my daughter, she brought a copy of her film in. It was beautiful and a must see for any single-parent losing sight of the big picture.
Afterwards, something she said about parenting stuck to my psyche like glue. She said, "My kids don´t need me to be a perfect mom. They need me. They need me to be who I really am". Hearing this from a mother who grew up in a split-home helps me tame the mommy guilt beast that could easily occupy almost every moment I share with my daughter.
| "My kids don´t need me to be a perfect mom. They need me. They need me to be who I really am". |
I don´t need to teach my daughter personal sacrifice to the point of self-destruction and the pursuit of perfectionism to the point of self-flagellation. What I really need to model for my daughter is how to love and honor her true self. She needs me guilt-free and present with an open-heart.
28.11.2007
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Jane Clapp operates Urbanfitt Studio which specializes in cutting edge personal training services, weight-loss and life-balance coaching, and pre and post natal fitness services. You can contact Jane at 416-964-3309. Urbanfitt is located at 559 College Street, Suite 204, Toronto, Ontario. She will rock you.
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