Surrogates without the Labour By Sherine Mansour
He could be your neighbour, your brother, or the guy at the office. More and more men are entering into single fatherhood excited with the prospects of being the main caregiver for their children. But look a little closer and you’ll often see the secret to their success is a great woman in his life who isn’t necessarily a love interest. It’s surrogate motherhood without the labour.
When my friend Terry divorced from this wife twelve years ago he was devastated. It was her idea from the start. Terry was happy to be married – happier still with the arrival of two beautiful daughters three years apart. But Amy had other ideas about what she needed to be happy herself so she left.
For the first few years we were there (my husband and I) to pick up the pieces. For a while Terry lived in our basement apartment. It took a long time for him to make the adjustment to single life and weekend fatherhood. Back and the forth the girls would travel from their home in Smith Falls to Barrie where they could catch up with their treasured father. Terry worked hard. He focused on making his short visits with the girls really count. He spent the week working overtime to pay the bills (divorce is not a cheap prospect!). He refused to date, choosing instead to spend the occasional evening with us, cooking in our kitchen (be makes a wicked mango chicken dish!), drinking chardonnay and reflecting on why he couldn’t make it work with Amy and how he was going to maintain a lively, special and constructive relationship with his daughters. We talked the topic to death, but, in the end, Terry’s undying passion for a family unit to help him raise his girls resulted in the most intriguing solution: his own mother.
| Terry’s undying passion for a family unit to help him raise his girls resulted in the most intriguing solution: his own mother |
As grandmother to Terry’s little girls, Anna was perfection in motion. Arts and crafts session, story time, baking in the kitchen, tending the garden – Anna was committed to showing the girls the beauty of the world around them and arming them with those artistic skills that nurture the soul through the years. In her new role as surrogate mother, she quickly stepped up to the challenge, helping provide discipline, discussing the birds and the bees, providing advice on boy problems and living with her son and granddaughters for an extended period of time when required (like summer holidays).
Similarly, Stephanie and Matt are newly weds living in the Entertainment District in Toronto, eking out a life in the music and television industry. Stephanie’s friend Jeff is doing the same not too far away in the film industry. It’s an exciting time for all them but when Jeff’s thirteen-year old son from a past fling showed up on his doorstep with all his belongings, Jeff knew his life was about to change.
Within days CJ and Jeff had fallen into the routine of father and teenage son living under the same roof. Rules were quickly established, schooling comfortably underway and good times catching up each night had become the norm for Jeff and his son. But it didn’t take long for Jeff to realize the moments when his son still needed his mother. Enter Stephanie.
| …it didn’t take long for Jeff to realize the moments when his son still needed his mother. |
Her eyes dancing, cheeks flushed, Stephanie is quick to tell you how much she enjoys being with CJ. "I can’t imagine a better way to spend a Sunday afternoon," she’ll say. "CJ and I can talk for hours. He fills me in on what the kids are talking about in school these days, why they’re always attached to their ipods and what they’re spending their money on. I enjoy being with him. I feel a sense of purpose in my day."
Stephanie and Anna are the everyday heroes in the new, unconventional world of family. Women who have taken on the role of mother to children who belong to someone else are surrogate mothers with the utmost of respect and dignity. They have recognized where they’re needed and have answered the call to nurture with unselfish abandon.
| Stephanie and Anna are the everyday heroes in the new, unconventional world of family |
Stephanie continues to have a standing date with CJ every Sunday. Anna died unexpectedly this fall from a stroke. The wounds are still fresh and run deep for Terry and his girls. At her funeral I watched their pain pour out of them like water. I watched as the fresh realization of what life would mean without Anna began to wash over them. And I watched as they clung to their father for comfort, striving to understand the circle of life as they experienced their first real death in the family. And I quickly realized it was my turn to step up for the cause. This weekend we’ll celebrate Sabrina’s 15th birthday. I’m making the cake.
28.11.2007
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